The art of saying no

On why Gabor Maté’s no might be the thing that saves your health.

Words by Sofia Edgren
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When my friend N cancels a long-planned dinner at the very last second, I realize something in me has changed. I'm not the least bit disappointed or irritated by her late heads-up. Quite the opposite, a warm, tender feeling spreads through me. Not because I don't want to see N, or because it lightens my own already overbooked schedule (which it does). No, I really like N, a lot, and I'd been looking forward to that dinner. But I understand that she's grasped the importance of knowing her inner limits. And, above all, the importance of being able to say no. Not just to "stand up for herself," but actually to stand up for her health.

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“Where in your life is there a no you want to express, but still don't? And what are the consequences for your life of not saying no?”

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Dr Gabor Maté has practiced medicine for close to four decades. Over those years he's built an international career through lectures and books grounded in his areas of expertise, chronic stress and trauma, and how they affect our physical health. With his holistic view of the connection between body and mind, he's become a self-help guru with millions of followers worldwide. Not without pushback, of course, Maté is sometimes seen as controversial. In his theories, he points to how upbringing and social relationships affect our health rather than biological factors alone. Theories that don't always align with established medical thinking.

But what does this have to do with my friend and our cancelled dinner?

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Quite a lot, actually.

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For as long as I've known N, exciting things have happened around her. As an interior designer with an incredible aesthetic sense and instinct, clients line up to bring her onto their projects. Projects that often get a lot of attention, within the industry as well as among N's tens of thousands of Instagram followers.

Privately, she's a social, fun, warm mother, partner, friend and fellow human, and despite her career, she always seems to have time left over for the people she loves. It feels excessive to pile on superlatives here, but it should be added that N is also the one who often does the inviting. To drinks, dinners, countryside weekends, and so on. In other words, a social genius, and a person you want to spend time with. But as we know, everything has its price. And maybe the price N pays is that, in always saying yes to everyone and everything, she ends up saying no to herself in the long run. Putting others' wellbeing before your own, according to Gabor Maté, can have serious consequences for our health.

In his book “When the Body Says No”, he argues that endless yes-saying, conscious or subconscious, means suppressing and denying our own feelings and needs. A suppression that leaves its mark on our bodies in the form of stress, which can in turn develop into illness. Or as Gabor Maté writes in the book's opening chapter:‍

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“When we're denied the chance to develop the ability to say no, our bodies may end up saying it for us.”

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He's devoted his entire professional life to studying how this suppression leaves physical traces. Through his view of body and mind as two united entities, he argues that emotions are, at their core, not separate from our physical bodies. But that in modern times we've built a society where certain behaviors and cultural norms are rewarded over others. Where a yes-sayer and initiator is often seen as "positive." And its opposite as a less favorable kind of person. There's obviously nothing wrong with a positive outlook on life, the problem arises when it becomes part of emotional adaptation, an adaptation where others' needs are prioritized over your own. A process that, according to Maté, leads to long-term activation of the body's stress system, which can affect our immune system and our nervous system. Chronic release of stress hormones like cortisol can lead to persistent, inflammation and autoimmune disease. The book offers several examples of medical conditions he believes are directly linked to this process, including multiple sclerosis, IBS, ulcerative colitis, cancer and ALS.

N's cancellation likely hits me straight in the heart because I know she lives with pain, both mental and physical. And because I recognize myself in her, I also wrestle with guilt when I say no, cancel plans, or pull back. Feeling like I'm not enough, feeling boring, feeling ungrateful, and so on.

But what if there's another way to look at it. That a no is a yes to something else. That's why I feel warm inside when N texts at the last second. Because I know that she, like me, is learning the importance of putting her health first.

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“Where in your life is there a no you want to express, but still don't?”

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Sofia Edgren is a Stockholm-based freelance journalist with clients like, Dagens Nyheter,  DI Weekend and Elle.  She writes extensively on topics within popular psychology, often focusing on relationships, holistic health, and personal development. One of her major role models is the Canadian physician and author Gabor Maté, whom she has also interviewed on a couple of occasions.

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